The Funk sets in......

Okay so its been awhile since I have been here to gloat in the delights of being laid off and job searching. That's because I am in the process of grieving...so they tell me.... Whats the process?

Its like this. I use to be a well oiled machine. A woman of task, time and tedious attention to getting things done and being oh so organized. Now I feel like a sap who is falling apart. There is actually mail on my kitchen table. When I was working it would have been paid or thrown out. There was never time or need to see how many pizzas I could get 2 bucks off in the val-u-pak. There was never junk mail. It went straight to the garbage pail. I have several things started and seem to never finish any of them. When I worked I started and ended a project or a chore all in the same nano-second. What is happening to me.

Its hard. I know you may all think I am crazy but there is a lot to these laid off, trying to not feel screwed, keeping busy with the job search, the fear and avoiding the guilt from mindless wander to the fridge, the bed or the bathroom to throw out the junk that expired 16 months ago....

So where Am I...? I wish I knew. I pray each day to get better at this. I ask God for some sign and I do know that when its my turn I will know it.... Its the structure thing for me that's driving me kooky.

I was the kind of human that laid out and ironed all of her clothes including jewelry the night before. Lunch was made and anything I had to bring to work or drop off on the way home (like dry cleaning or a returned library book) went into the car before I went to bed. Even my tea cup and fixings were set up...the night before.

Then there was the commute that I made the most of while listening to books on tape. I think I could have actually earned another degree with all the hours of audio I did thanks to the good old Cross Bronx Expressway.

But there is I do believe, a lesson in all of this. A light side to what seems dark to me. Its like the wake up and smell the roses kind of calling I am feeling. I am learning how to sit with who I am. Before I was too busy to even know what I was thinking and now that is all I do.

So I throw it out, maybe I'll look at it later, what should I defrost, should I answer emails or visit the career journal site.....??????????????????????????

So now I think, I contemplate and I am sometimes not liking what is on my mind and other times I am not sure who this mind belongs to...but what I do know is that it is all apart of the journey.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go clear off my kitchen table.

Thanks...just thanks